The Shift Towards Polyam/ENM in Queer Dating

If you’re a person in the LGBTQIA+ community who was dating 10 years ago versus now, it can feel like a totally different playing field. There are a few reasons for that: we’ve become fully adjusted to using apps as our primary means of meeting romantic partners, and there’s an ever-expanding vocabulary people use to describe themselves and their relationships. But what I’m hearing about the most? The shift toward polyamory.

In many ways, the increased visibility and popularity of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy is a wonderful thing. People are learning new ways to structure relationships that work better for them; they’re developing stronger communication skills and advocating more clearly for their needs. Polyamory and ENM encourage us to view our partners as whole, autonomous people whose happiness we support outside of our own. In an ideal world, it allows us to relate more altruistically to the people we love without sacrificing ourselves or boxing up our needs in order to receive the same in return.

But it’s certainly not for everyone. And even for those who do practice it… well, let’s just say the “ethical” part of ethical non-monogamy isn’t always present. Relationships are hard, regardless of how they’re structured. Juggling more than one person’s feelings inherently asks more of us - more communication, more awareness, more emotional regulation (and, honestly, more scheduling) - and not everyone is up to the task.

And if you’re someone who’s staunchly monogamous? Things have gotten harder on the apps. Make that doubly hard if you’re queer. Some of the latest surveys suggest that queer folks practice ENM and polyamory at nearly double the rate of our straight counterparts. That means a much larger portion of the dating pool simply won’t be compatible for monogamous daters.

We don’t talk enough about the disparate impact this has on monogamous queer daters. Straight folks seeking ENM relationships have platforms designed specifically to meet those needs, like Feeld. But for queer folks, given the popularity and ubiquity of polyamory and ENM in our communities, nearly everyone who’s single ends up on the same mainstream platforms - Hinge, HER, Bumble, Lex - regardless of their preferred relationship structure.

And the worst part for monogamous daters? Many of these apps make you pay to see other monogamous matches. If you’re queer, that often means either paying up or spending hours combing through profiles that excite you at first glance, only to discover a relationship preference that isn’t aligned with yours. Straight folks aren’t having quite the same experience and, frankly, it feels unfair from where I’m sitting.

I think it’s a wonderful thing for dating apps to accommodate a wider range of relationship structures and needs. But it also feels like they’re making it harder and harder to use their products meaningfully without paying. The result? A lot of single people start to believe their options are genuinely limited, that the apps are an accurate reflection of who’s available and what people want, and that none of it is for them. They forget they’re looking through a window - one that offers a view just nice enough to tempt you through the shiny (paid) front door.

I can’t fathom how dating apps can justify charging for monogamy as a preference in 2026. What I do know is that this practice affects queer daters far more than straight ones. If you’re seeking a monogamous relationship and struggling to find it, know that you’re not alone. It can feel incredibly lonely to be on the apps and not see anyone else looking for what you’re offering (or vice versa). But these platforms are designed to funnel us into premium memberships by leveraging that loneliness and sense of scarcity. We’re here to remind you: your people are out there and there are other ways to find them.