Chasing the emotionally unavailable

Do you find yourself chasing after folks who seem just out of reach? Are you a person who has a history of dead end situationships? Would you say your type is ‘emotionally unavailable?' If so, this one’s for you.

Every now and then, I’ll have a client who isn’t exactly sure why they’re struggling to find a good partner. They meet people, they have chemistry, but they can’t seem to get to the ‘relationship’ part (or it doesn’t last very long if they do). Luckily, as a matchmaker, I don’t only send people on dates but I also speak to those dates after my client meets them. If there’s some blind spot we’re missing, this will usually help us uncover it.

With these particular clients, I’ll observe as we send them on a few introductions with folks who show up exactly how we’ve dreamed they would - they’re proactive, charming, flirtatious. They make an effort, are considerate, and show that they’re interested. But for the clients I’m talking about, this doesn’t seem to move the emotional needle. They find the person boring, they’re not that excited, and it feels “too easy.”

Fast forward to their next date, where we focus more on that excitement/attraction vs. the partner qualities listed above (not my preference, but sometimes a client wants to test their theory and I’m happy to help). This person is electric - they are fascinating, independent, and… seemingly unmotivated to commit. They make a thrilling first encounter but are difficult to pin down otherwise. The client walks away from the date allured but insecure, unsure why this person was so engaging over drinks but seems to only be able to answer texts every three days.

And for whatever reason, the client gives this person every excuse. Whilst they were critical and lukewarm about the person that showed all those green flags, this emotionally unavailable charmer has gotten under their skin. There’s something about them that they can’t get out of their head.

This goes beyond attraction - in fact, I’d argue it has to do more with self worth. So many people, without realizing it, are using dating as a measure of their value. They find someone who they place a high premium on - someone seemingly ‘above’ them, just out of reach - and convince themselves that if they can earn the affection of this elusive, charismatic person, it will prove something about what they have to offer. That they’re worth it.

I remember years ago, a client said to me that her partner could only possibly have attended one of three schools - Harvard, LBS, or Stanford. When I asked her, in earnest, what it was about these schools that made her think her person would be found there, she burst into tears and said it seems like I don’t believe she deserves someone of that caliber. This spoke volumes to me. She wasn’t focused on how this person treated her, she was focused on what it would say to her sense of self if they chose her.

Most confusingly, this is often intrinsically tied to attraction and so they’ll say, “this is just my type.” For these clients, the most exciting and attractive people are almost always those who are emotionally unavailable. Without realizing it, the thing they are attracted to is exactly that quality - the feeling of them being out of reach. Once someone becomes accessible and interested, these clients seem to lose interest. And if someone was once interested but is no longer? That’ll get under their skin too. I had a client who said they friendzoned a person for 10 years, but now that they have a baby with another woman, she’s heartbroken and convinced she made a mistake. She admitted, though, that she likely would not have felt that way if they remained interested and available to her - a real conundrum.

So what do we do if this is coming up for us in our dating? We make decisions from a different place. We put the car in manual mode and stop shooting from the hip. We start actively choosing people who show us the green flags, and we know when to walk away from the red flags (even when they’re cute and charming!). And we do this even when it’s hard.

This doesn’t mean we throw attraction out the window or ignore our gut intuitions. But there’s a lot of space between a first date and a committed relationship. You do not have to marry the nice girl who called you back, but maybe you should try taking her out again. You might be glad you did.

Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you.