Something I very commonly see in my work as a date coach and matchmaker is that people will often, in an effort to save themselves from feeling rejected, hold their cards close to their chest. They prefer to wait until the other person makes a move or gives them a sign that they’re safe to lean in.
When the other person doesn’t initiate, these clients think, “they must have not been interested in dating me.” But after spending years asking people for honest date feedback, I’ve noticed a pattern: if you don’t show interest, the people you’re dating will read you as disinterested and they won’t show interest either. They won’t flirt much and they’ll friendzone you, maybe giving something like “it was great meeting you tonight, I’m wishing you all the best in your dating but I didn’t feel a connection” at the end.
If you’re interested in someone, I always encourage my clients to make it clear. It doesn’t need to be a proclamation of love or a grand proposal, but even a cheeky compliment can go far - something like “oh, you look extra cute for our date today, don’t you?” If this feels bold to you, try to let them know at the end of the date (instead of via text afterwards) that you’d like to see them again. Just make sure to somehow differentiate it from something a work colleague or platonic friend might say - there’s a subtle but effective difference between something like “I’ve really enjoyed our date today. I’d like to take you out again. If you’re available, I’d love to pick you up for a second date next week” vs. “I had a great time today! Thanks for meeting up. I’d love to see you again sometime. Maybe let me know when you’re next free?”
Often, my clients aren’t aware that their fear of vulnerability might translate to the people they’re dating as lack of interest. Alternatively, the other might be able to tell they’re interested but don’t find the energy that’s being brought to the dates particularly connective or romantic. There’s a difference between being friendly and being flirty.
Dating can often feel like a fine line between holding the appropriate emotional boundaries early into getting to know someone whilst still showcasing interest and proactivity in building a romantic connection. We realize this is a hard balance to get right! And we’re here to help if you could use some help trying to figure it out. Contact our team today for more information on date coaching.
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