Really Motivated, But Really Burnt Out

Dating app burnout is extra stressful when you’re excited to find your person

More often than not, if you’ve spent time on dating apps, you’ve also experienced the burnout that can accompany them. In fact, many of the people I see who are feeling the most burnt out are also the ones who want a relationship the most. Who wouldn’t feel discouraged after investing time, energy, and emotional labor, only to feel like they have little to show for it?

First things first, we have to recognize burnout before we can do anything about it. So what does dating app burnout actually look like? Some common markers include:

• Hopelessness, cynicism, or general disinterest in the dating process

• Feeling like finding a partner has become more of a chore than something enjoyable

• Avoidance and dread, including canceling dates, postponing them, or finding reasons to delay the process (i.e. “I should just wait until after the summer”)

• Lowered self-esteem and negative self-talk, often describing the process as “dehumanizing” after countless conversations that lead nowhere (and then internalizing those outcomes)

• Decision fatigue and reduced confidence, oscillating between being overly critical and too lax while feeling unsure all along that you can make the “right” choice

If you feel ready for a relationship, have watched years tick by with little progress, and are now burnt out on the apps, it can feel like you’re left with few good options. Even worse, these clients are often resistant to coming off the apps because they feel they don't have many alternatives which are equally as accessible, convenient, or affordable (totally understandable!). This leaves them in a cycle that might be better described as a downward spiral.

But if you can't figure out a better relationship with the dating process itself, people are going to feel that burnout radiating off of you. You’ll show up to dates with people who might otherwise be an excellent fit but you’ll feel jaded, closed off, and unsure. You’ll be less likely to flirt, make a move, or view the other person with positive intent, and the person sitting across from you can pick up on it quickly. There are few things people are more sensitive to than a cynical, burnt-out dater.

So what do we do? We do something - anything - different.

If you don’t want to stop online dating altogether, take at least a two-week break and consider trying a new app. Prioritize time with your friends. Go have fun. Reconnect with parts of your life outside of romance, then come back to dating refreshed. Fill your cup, regroup, build new habits, and try again. Because if you’re feeling the above, what you’re doing right now isn’t working for you.

One of my first recommendations to these clients is to start doing things that are exciting, fun, enriching, etc. and which expressly don't involve looking for a partner. Consider it a palate cleanser. Join a beach volleyball league, and if someone cute is there, great. Go to a singles mixer with a friend and make the goal of the night to have as much fun together as possible. If you meet someone, that’s a bonus. But practice having positive experiences that aren't tied to result and which instead center a bit of fun.

When you're feeling better and when dating sounds exciting instead of dread-inducing again, try approaching things differently than before. For some people, this looks like deleting all the apps, committing to a time of being social purely for enjoyment, and leaving things to chance from there. For others, it looks like outsourcing to an expert like us here at QCC as a way to preserve their positive mindset, ensure their approach is effective, and to keep that cup full so they can show up to dates as their best self.

We often work with clients who know what they’re doing isn’t working, but aren’t sure what to try next. If that sounds like you, we’re here to help. Our one-on-one date coaching sessions are a resource designed to support you through this process. Each 50-minute session is held directly with our Founder & CEO, Elise Braunschweiger, and offers a dedicated space to strategize around your unique dating challenges. Contact our team today to learn more.