The High-Achieving Dating Trap

The two ways driven people self-sabotage in dating

My matchmaking clients often follow a pattern. They’re usually highly ambitious and successful, goal-oriented, and dedicated to self improvement. They’re a proactive bunch, a group who loves an actionable line item to work towards. If there’s responsibility they can assume in order to take control and take action, they often do (whether or not they want to is a different story, but I digress). 

I find that this results in what I’ll lovingly refer to as “the high achiever’s dating trap.” My accomplished clients tend to default to one of two patterns when they’re genuinely interested in someone: 

• Over-functioning — planning, initiating, managing the pace of the relationship

• Under-signaling — pulling back to avoid vulnerability, which reads as disinterest

  
  

Let’s break these two patterns out to further explore how they show up in my clients’ dating journey.

Over-Functioning

If you’re someone who over-functions in a relationship, you feel most empowered by taking action. You don’t sit on your hands and wait for things to happen - you initiate. If you’re the one who ends up planning most dates, texting first, and opening conversations about intimacy or exclusivity, this is likely you. 

Under-Signaling

If you like to keep your feelings close to your chest, waiting for a sign from the other person that they’re interested in pursuing you before opening up, you’re likely under-signaling. In an attempt to keep themselves safe and invulnerable, my clients who under-signal often read as disinterested and disengaged to the people they’re dating.

Does this sound like you? I want to acknowledge this at the front: both of these patterns make sense. For my ambitious folks, over-functioning has largely served you well - it’s the reason you’ve made it so far in your career. And under-signaling is just self-protection thinly disguised. If you’ve ever been hurt after making yourself vulnerable to the wrong person, this is a commonsense way to adapt to that. 

The problem, though, is that neither of these methods are going to get you where you want. Over-functioning can create an uneven relationship dynamic, with you doing the heavy lifting for the partnership.  And under-signaling? If it hasn’t already, it’ll cost you opportunities with people you’re earnestly excited about.

The good news is that bringing awareness to this pattern is the first step in overcoming it. If you're ready to date in a way that actually reflects what you're capable of giving and receiving, that's exactly what we work on together.

Reach out to learn more about matchmaking and date coaching at Queer Conscious Connections.